Soritsu shuffled his feet, nervous. The minor city official kept glancing left and right, weary of the undead that was still plaguing the city, particularly during the night.
He was starting to regret accepting this meeting, especially considering the chosen location and the fact that angry corpses, hungry for the living, were still prowling the night.
However, since the undead poured out of the Necropolis to wreak havoc a few nights ago, the city officials worked Soritsu and his criers to the bone, and there was no extra pay involved. His staff were dead tired and frightened for themselves and their loved ones, unable to protect them with their presence. So when came the opportunity to make extra gold came under the guise to the most mesmerizing woman Soritsu ever saw, he jumped on it like a dwarf seeing a copper piece laying on the streets.
She was late, of course. Soritsu shook his head, smiling. “Women” he sighed dreamily. His ungentlemanly thoughts were eventually interrupted by the sound of footsteps approaching the alley. He looked up, seeing a familiar shadow with womanly curves. How a blurry shadow could still keep the generous attributes of this woman, he wondered as he quickly passed his hand through his hair, making sure he was presentable.
“My apologies for being late to our meeting, my good man! I was detained. You know, lady stuff and whatnot” the lady cheerily intoned by way of introduction.
“No problem, my fair lady! After all, a woman needs time to prep-“.
Soritsu was interrupted by the sight before him. His jaw simply dropped, unable to form words and finish his sentence, which would’ve been untrue anyway. Before him stood the same lustrous creature he was fantasising about since his first glimpse of her, sporting the same signature grin that never seemed to leave her face. However, her hair was singed at places and her clothes were ripped in numerous places, brown blood still caking the borders of each holes.
“No problem, my good man! Now, on to business!” she grinned, nonchalantly tossing him a bag of coins and a parchment attached to it. Soritsu caught the purse in time, although not gracefully, still recovering from the sight before him.
“My lady”, he stammered. “What happened to you?” he asked.
“Huh? Oh, that! Girl stuff, like I told you. Nothing a little STICK and two BALLS can’t fix, eh? EH!?” she laughed, poking him in the ribs, mischievous grin still in place.
Soritsu swallowed, confused and a little uncomfortable by her clumsy, yet un-lady like use of puns.
“All the money’s there. Forty gold pieces, like we agreed upon”
“B-but my lady, we agreed for fifty gold pieces…”
“Oh? Damnit, what a shame”. She pouted, like a little girl, even turning her index finger at the corner of her mouth, a caricature. “Oh! I got an idea!” she exclaimed, eyebrows moving up and down repeatedly. “How ‘bout a feel of my boobs! Eh? EH!? They’re awesome! Look!” She brought the remnants of her blouse down, her breasts exploding outside their (formerly) tight confines.
Soritsu was too shocked to react. He was simply gaping, unable to form a coherent thought.
“Your eyes tell me it’s a deal! FINALLY! I made these bad boys specifically for this and the scribes don’t even wanna touch ‘em!” she keeps babbling, casually taking both of the poor sod’s hands and bringing them to her bosom. That is where Soritsu lost it. Such a gorgeous, immodest woman! “Yes. Yes! We have a deal, my fair lady! The news will be told in all the city’s squares and the surrounding villages! The whole world will know of Hasdrubal’s protection and patronage of Whadi!”
“And don’t forget his merry band, the Mewling Quims, yes?” she casually said, grinning in understanding at Soritsu’s star-struck gaze.
“Yes! Absolutely! I remember! The announcement must have at least ten mentions of the Mewling Quims, with the proper inflection when pronouncing them! I remember, my lady!” he ranted, feverish.
He couldn’t control himself by that point, unable to stop his hand from felling up between her legs.
Something stopped him short, shock replacing lust in a matter of seconds.
“That wasn’t part of the deal, big boy” came a reply, the deep voice of a man coming from her mouth, still grinning.
“Oh that? That would be a penis, a phallus, a schlong, a sausage”
Soritsu stood there, in shock, unable to move. “W-What are you?” he finally gasped.
“Oh? Me?” she asked, lightly? Her voice turned deeper still, theatre-like, her grin vanished.
“I’m a corpse eater, condemned to eat the souls of oath breakers and take some parts their appearance, forever changing, never being whole. I hunger for broken promises, Soritsu… will I become a part of you?” she intoned with a dark voice.
“Or not” she casually shrugged, grin returning. “Maybe I’m just fucking with you with magic. Or hell, maybe I’m just a dude in drag, or a chick with a pole underneath her pants? Who knows, really? Hey, wanna cup a feel of corpse boobs? ‘Cause I can totally do this for you, too! It’s weird at first, but you get used to it, believe me!”
Soritsu kept staring, paralysed from a mixture of abject terror and confusion at the absurdity of what his ears were processing.
“Well alright, then! When you’re ready to release my junk from your grip, we’ll go on our merry way, yes?”
Soritsu quickly released her manhood, shocked he was still holding it in the first place. “Y-yes, my… lady?”
“Sure! Why not? Off you go, Soritsu. I hope to hear the good word by tomorrow, or I’ll be hungry” she squeaked the last word girlishly, still grinning.
Soritsu did not need further invitation. He turned to run away, but was grabbed by the shoulder. Turning slowly, gulping, he stared at her grinning face once again.
“Say, you wouldn’t know someone I could talk with to commission a life-sized statue of a group of people, no?”
“Wh-what?” he stammered.
“Oh! Or how about a fountain sculpted to have Whadi’s hero, with me, Orfée and Rhea, submissively grabbing his legs, y’know, like those cheap romantic-action book covers teenagers like to buy?”
Soritsu’s shoulders sagged, resigned.