Campaign of the Month: November 2018

The Red Hand

Samir's Adventure Log - The Lost Monastery of Phos, Part 1

By all the gods it’s boring in here! They let me loose into the world and expect me to come back to the mundane tasks of an Academy apprentice without dying of boredom? Those are cruel, CRUEL masters we have.
(sigh)
But at least I got to practice my skills at lifting things at range, which will help me disarm traps and erm… “find” interesting objects that lies around people’s belts, desks, drawers, etc.

How rude! Not a single one of my partners in crime (looting is a crime supposedly. Go figure) agreed to help me exploit a loophole in the price limit of magic objects to buy (I can only buy items that are worth 2000gp, unlike others who can buy 4000gp)! I’d buy their cheap stuff and they’d buy my above 2000gp stuff and we’d switch it all once outside the Academy. It was fool proof! But nooooooo, no one was interested at all!
Mavrikos, upon seeing me, simply told me he wasn’t interested in ANYTHING related to me. I didn’t even said “hello” to him!
And Hasdrubal even gave me a speech about some guy named Fred who wouldn’t allow this exploit. Who the hell is “Fred” anyway? That the quartermaster or something?
Fine then! I’ll buy my own magic stuff, with blackjack and hookers!
Well, since no one has an ounce of daring in them, might as well start learning on the Watchumacallits in Rusk that I owe Kohlm for that favor he gave me.

Ok, so I’ve just learned that the Mewling Quims was a name thrown at us as a joke, meaning our group is given the permission to choose a proper name with the Academy’s blessing.
I need to come up with something quick before one of the others ruins my fun.
The Brotherhood of the Hand? That would piss the ladies off to no end. Or the opposite, like the Sisterhood of the Travelling Robes? I like the word “hand” though. After all, we do get the JOB done, ey EY!?? Bah!
How about the White Heroes Of Redemptive Elves, of W.H.O.R.E.s for short?
It’s a work in progress.

Ok, so we were called into a meeting with the Big Cahoonas and we were treated with a seat at the table. We’re advancing in life I tell you whhhat!

That was weird. We had out skulls opened and they put some sort of shadow creatures inside our heads in order to guard our thoughts about a conspiracy we’re about to hear from. Why would they need to do that? Aren’t we trustworthy?

Mind. BLOWN! This is conspiracy that will ch…

Ok, so I can’t even write about tis without getting confused and passing out? That sucks goat balls.

Hmmm, wonder if there’s a way to do it…

Ok, I gave up my attempts after I supposedly started singing a nursery song while standing on a table at the dinner hall and then fainting… while soiling myself. I hate quitting…

After much discussing, we decided to go to the monastery where Mavrikos barely escaped with his life in order to acquire one of…

Damn it! Those were my finest clothes!

Ok, to a monastery we go, just for the hell of it. Happy now?!

We end up near a village and go to the tavern to ask questions regarding the monk house ruins. Turns out the old Abbot survived and lives in a city nearby. As the scribe discuss and plan and tactic-kalize and whatnot, Hasdrubal nudges me and discreetly points me towards a farmer who seems to take a keen interest in our conversation. As we prepare to leave, the fellow leaves the tavern, running towards the field. I quickly change my appearance to look like the tavern maid (in case I get caught I could just say that I like him, giggle like an idiot and run away and none would be the wiser) and follow him. What the hell, I’m good at sneaking now?!! He never saw me!
Turns out him and a bunch of goat tenders want to ambush us to steal our gold and be rich. This will be fun!

Ok, so I casted an illusion of yours truly a hundred feet in front of us, acting like a badass scout, stopping at any suspicious spot and acting all suspicious-y, trying to draw their hand and ruin their surprise.
It worked! My illusion soon received a crossbow bolt to the imaginary face.
A flaming sphere was all it took for the amateur highwaymen to see the error of their ways and the final nail in their thievery careers’ lives was pushed by our dear Orfée with one of her speeches about doing good and being good boys and whatnot.

We arrived at the city and immediately went to the Cathedral, where Mavrikos acted all paladiny in order to get info about the old Abbott. Turns out he lives a quiet life and made a vow of silence. Guess Mavrikos will do the talking for the both of them, like usual. ZING!

As we’re about to leave, I see an acolyte looking at us, and bolting in the opposite direction, probably going to warn someone of our coming, so, using my quick wits, I spin a grand tail about my need to pee and bolt in the direction of the acolyte, but I’m met with failure: the acolyte is nowhere to be found. And so I come back to the waiting acolyte and tell him I relieved myself in the street. Hehehe puuure genius!

We arrive at the priests’ retirement home and Mavrikos goes inside while we wait in the street. The acolyte was eager to leave, so as soon as he turns the corner I assume his appearance in order to prevent a dagger in the back, should one be coming. Orfée is fooled until I tell her of my full bladder, which she gets, and goes to sit back on the bench in a huff.

Sure enough, a priest and some thugs comes close and orders me back to the cathedral, which I feign to do until I throw a spell at his back. Pow! Right in the kisser!

Fighting time! And I got a super cool spell wand that lets me move at twice the range I did in the past. Try and hit me when I’m THAT far away, suckers!

The damn priest flew away when we were kicking his ass! And the thugs, too. All but one that we captured. He refused to turn in his friends. I tried to take the priest’s appearance and make it seem like I was captured, too, so that I could tell the thug that the gig was up, that we should just tell them who we were, but the group didn’t understand the intricacies of my plan and looked at me like I was an idiot. Finesse of the brain is not their forte, sadly…

Ok, we’re back at the cathedral and Mavrikos is PISSED! He’s arguing with the Bishop to the point where the Bishop clearly threatens Mav with religious sanctions or something. I take the priest’s appearance and we ask if he knows who that is, but he tells us no. We do not believe him though.
He’s an untrustworthy fellow, that one. Hey! Maybe he’s from that cult of Phos that was a heresy and was wiped out centuries ago! Maybe they’ve infiltrated the Church and are all evil and shit… Bah! I’ll let the smart ones figure that one out.
The bishop suggests an inn in the city for us to use, but we’re not THAT stupid, so we go to the second higher pricy inn instead. That’ll show him!

So we’re at the inn now and we’ve rented a private table where we can discuss our next steps. Mavrikos detected a scrying spell in our room though and tries to tell Orfée that we are being watched, to disastrous results: Orfée spills the beans and it looks like she did this on purpose, too! Why would she want the spy to know that we know? Wouldn’t the spy knowing that we know make him or her more knowing that we know, you know? I don’t understand that girl sometimes.

Well, since the gig is up, might as well force the scryer’s hands by taunting him! Nothing like a bruised ego to eliminate all the careful weaving of traps and intrigue, replaced by reckless charging in a fit of rage at us! Eh? EH?!
So I change appearance and take the shape of a naked Bishop, ready to run around the inn and outside, blessing the populace as I go. That’ll do it!

Nope. Apparently it didn’t work, as Orfée is pleading with the Inn’s owner to not kick us out, saying something about me being “special” or something…
Oh, and I get to have a lecture from Orfée, who didn’t want to piss off someone who tried to kill us, but wants him to know that we know they know? And the group balks at my suggestion that we use the port key to go back to the Academy in order to teleport back near the ruins, thus making them lose our trails and giving us a WHOLE day advantage over them (I mean, even if they DID spot us 2 minutes after our teleportation, it would still mean they’d have to make the day trip to our new location, no?). I just don’t get it. Ah well, such is life.

Mavrikos tells us that the Abbott kept insisting about praying while facing south, so the group believes that there might be an underground entrance at the southernmost point in the monastery ruins, which makes sense. So off to the village we go!

We’re back at the village and we gather another clue: the forces that destroyed the monastery came… from the SOUTH! We’ll get that damn rel…

Good thing I brought another set of clothes… We’ll go explore the south of the ruins to find random treasure, then!

We’re at the ruins and its pouring rain outside (of course it’s outside!). Visibility is atrocious. We barely see the shape of a man approaching us on the road in time to react. Turns out it’s the wannabe thief from the day prior, warning us that thugs are looking for us and are coming this way. Well, what do you know? Orfée’s speech actually WORKED! Maybe I should try her approaches… that is, if I don’t die of boredom while attempting it.

So we prepare ourselves for the upcoming fight and I’m to be the lookout person on this little encounter. I go ahead on the road and find a hiding place. Soon enough, I hear horses coming up the road, so send an arcane message to Orfée, warning them of their approach. They’ll fall into a trap and it won’t be us this time! I can’t wait!

No traps!?? Just Mavrikos talking to this inquisitor fellow!??? What the hell is that? We had them in a TRAP!!! These scribes will be the death of me, I swear!

So Mavrikos ended up telling the killers off, so the fight begins!

Poor Hasdrubal… He really should stop attending Althea’s little soirées, because his posturing in front of the enemy made one of them study his moves and get his number. As soon as the fight was on Hasdy suffered a crippling stab to the gut and he was out of commission before he could say “could you oil my back?”

The fight was a tough one, and we nearly lost Mavrikos, who was assailed on all sides from three assassins. I got to make the killing blow to the Inquisitor though. And guess what!??? I didn’t get a scratch YET again! Yay Me! One was able to run away to tell the Bishop about the inquisitor’s death though… At least we know it was the bishop who sent him and the coward ran away when Mavrikos was down for the count, which might convince his Whoriness that we have no more reason to stay and investigate.

So, not bad for a days’ work! We got rid of the Bishop’s lackey and we have the way clear to go get the…

Gods damnit! Next time I bring my brown pants…

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